Faith
Something that I hate to admit at age 35, is that I still deal with asthma. It makes me feel like I’m a child again and not in the joyous way. The thought was that asthma is something that you grow out of. Indeed, I too believed that this childish asthma was something that I no longer dealt with. The memories are vivid of me sitting on the bathroom countertop being hooked up on a nebulizer breathing machine seeking relief for my impaired breathing. The fact that this is still a challenge for me is rather humbling. Granted, it is a lot less. To get to the point; these days I am working more with my hands. Working on farmland, cutting down and logging trees, trimming yards, digging ditches, painting, carpentry and the like. It is another side mission that I find myself greatly enjoying. What I come to find out is that after I finish working, I can barely breathe. The pollen from the grass ignites all kind of childish nerves in my body and causes an instant asthma flare up, not an attack — a flare up. “You’re too old to be having asthma attacks”, I say to myself. For the next two to three nights, I struggle to sleep because I can’t breathe. I am not claustrophobic, but when these struggles come at night — the walls start closing in. Even though the breathing issues are (re)new(ed), they run concurrent with this season of my life. A new addition to the night struggles; I lie restlessly in hope, waiting — no, knowing that the day time will eventually come.
This feeling of not being able to breathe, kind of feels symbolic; or maybe it is a manifestation of some anxiety that I have been feeling in life in general (and yes, it also is just the grass). Our daughter’s due date is 8 weeks away and we’re still not in some ‘ideal’ space where we feel absolutely prepared for her arrival. The commitment I made in life was to always pursue purpose. The pursuit of purpose has often come at the cost of rejecting money. The soul (my soul) will not trade time for money, unless you sell it. It does not benefit from transactional relationships. “But I must pay my bills”, “It’s the lesser of two evils”, “you have to do what you have to do”; are these the only frames of mind? The commitment to this path requires an unconventional state of mind; one that shuns traditional pathways. There is the institution, to intern, to corporation pipeline. There is the nepotism pipeline. There is the American Dream, climb the ladder pipeline. There is the entertainment Diddy & Weinstein pipeline ( I laughed a little). Yet, what lies within me refuses to allow any man to be able to take credit for this ascent out of my darkness. I imagined of vision of this path when I was 6 years old. Yet at 35, I literally am unaware of my very next step. Bound to the conviction of a future that I cannot see. Enveloped in a cycle of continually being pushed to the edges of my limits. A cycle where life consistently fills like an asthma attack; all the walls are closing in. Readily and easily I can admit that I should’ve given up a long time ago. Regrets wait at the door step: jobs turned down, jobs that rejected me and opportunities blown. This cycle is vicious. It allows me to be ridiculed by others, looked down upon, considered as less than. It makes you question your self worth, your sanity. An outcast to society for not being unwilling to conform to another’s image of who they want you to be. Why not give in? Because I am trapped, bound; the walls have closed in. I am enslaved to a conviction of a reality that I cannot see. I am a slave to my faith.
‘Blind Faith” is not faith at all. It is what one might consider as being delusional; when there is no understanding behind your faith, you’re simply a follower of the crowd. Faith can only be acquired through diligent inquiry. This is how we understand ‘what’ faith is.
And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. - Jeremiah 29:13
To “search” or to “seek”, according to the contexts used within the Bible (Strong’s 18750 are used within a range of: A primitive root; properly, to tread or frequent; usually to follow (for pursuit or search); by implication, to seek or ask; specifically to worship -- ask, care for, diligently, inquire, make inquisition, question, require, search, seek (for, out). Essentially, what faith is, is seeking out and then learning to trust that in which we cannot see.
When it comes to understanding ‘how’ faith works. We often find too much confusion when it comes to faith or/vs works;
But I fear, lest somehow, as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness, so your minds may be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ. - 2 Corinthians 11:3
It is simple. We can just look at what Peter has to say about ‘how’ the belief of faith works,
But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love. For if these things are yours and abound, you will be neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. - 2 Peter 1:5-8
From these verses we can see ‘how’ faith or your belief works. It is a process of steady growth. The foundation of your faith must be built through developing character, knowledge of God, temperance, patience, holiness, kindness and love. There can be no faith without action. We might sum this up by saying faith is an increasing commitment to take action in every area of your life. There’s this theme in the Bible, where a character chooses or is called to walk with YHVH; receives a promise, then faces years of turmoil, hardship and failure. Constantly, they are faced with the threat of hunger, homelessness, imprisonment, barrenness, abandonment — death. For some, it is difficult to fully grasp the concept of what ‘life’ is and all that it encompasses. It is in our nature to seek comfort. As newborns, our entire world is built off of feeling safe and protected. When we don’t, (speaking from experience) we end up living in a state of survival; constantly stressed over your safety, provision and security; your life is constantly at risk. What we learn from the characters in the Bible, is that YHVH requires that people walk through their fears and tote the many possibilities of what might seem like death to them. He requires this walk for us to come to the conclusion that the source of what our soul truly seeks is not found outside of ourselves. Many people question the authenticity of the Bible, fair. Yet in truth, it is impossible for you to know if it’s true or not. You can only know if the Bible and your faith is real, through testing your life within the confines of the story.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance incorruptible and undefiled and that does not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, who are kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.
In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith—the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:3-9
Growing up, I loved RPG’s (role-playing games). Skyrim, the GTA series, Red Dead Redemption, Mass Effect 2; open world games where throughout the story, the decisions you made effected the outcome of the game. While playing you had to opportunity to pursue a plethora of “side missions” outside of the main storyline. I was obsessed with finishing the games I played with a 100% clip. Never did I want to cheat the character (myself), by not experiencing the gameplay at its full potential. What else would the point of playing the game be? These games had such an impact on my life, transforming the possibilities of how I was able to live my life; as an open-world role-playing-game. The games have had so much impact because these games are life in fact real life. Gaining influence in your local social circle. Growing your followers while maintaining a good ratio. I don’t need to go through all the varying games again, we did this already.
Faith isn’t always about the belief to get to a destination, or receive something in the future. Faith is the courage, more-so the conviction to act in this very present moment. This is not just based off of a feeling, it’s based off the nature of who YHVH says He is and His Word. What keeps most people from ever experience a journey of conviction is the fact that: Faith cannot exist without adversity. September 2025 was our last month in Los Angeles. California was all that my wife and I had known. Our friends, job experience, family and to an extent, who we are has been molded by where we are from. Our decision to leave Los Angeles was rooted in complacency. We were comfortable. All of our bills were paid, and we had security. Yet, the walls around us were closing in. We were dying because life became too routine. For over a year, we searched for a variety of opportunities; working on farms, visiting new churches in different counties, reaching out to businesses to offer our services. Nothing was clicking for us. There is an ideal that tends to hold people back that, they don’t want to leave the life they have formed for themselves. Unaware that the life they live is based on what they have. We did not want to look back 20 years from now thinking, “what if we made the move?”. Over the span of a month, we packed up as many of our belongings as we could. Those friends and family members of ours who cared enough, we told them we were leaving. We saw who we could, to those we did not see, we thank you for the memories. We threw everything we possibly could on top of our car, while packing out the inside completely. Then, we left. We drove through 6 states in 7 days and left a life we once lived behind. The day we were supposed to leave, we got into an argument. We were scared, we had no money, no guarantees; just so tired of the same that we knew we needed something different.
My perspective has shifted since our relocation. My mind was forced to stop looking for ways to change my situation. Instead, I went back to the basics; playing the game of becoming a better me. This consisted of becoming a father who’s building patience (with a strong-willed son), more loving husband, a son who’s growing in compassion and a man who’s understanding how to live with humility. Odd job, to odd job. Building a skill here, being exposed to discomfort there; being humbled again and again; healing from trauma and overcoming fears. Being educated by God is The Way of Faith. He places you in situations that force you to transform. there are no shortcuts. That’s why He hates sorcery. You want to read the stars to determine your future; when what you really need to do is just be able to admit Joel down the street that you ignore him intentionally. Tell him his laugh is obnoxious. There are no short cuts to peace. During this journey, I’ve come to realize that there is no security outside of myself. There is no safety outside of myself. There is no provision, no protection from anything that lives outside of me. All it is, is an appearance. This journey of faith is not about believing in something that lives outside of yourself. It’s not just about hoping for some future reality. God wants you to understand that there is no life outside of him. There is life in us. When you choose to have a relationship with God, the first thing YHVH has you do is relinquish everything that has shaped your identity. Once you do this, you are now ready to be molded in His image; He doesn’t want to change your circumstance, He wants to change you. Then a life filled with searching ends; you realize you already have everything you need. Faith is evidenced by the testimony of who you become not simply what you do.
