THE SILENT SEASON

This is one of those inner thought pieces; probably should’ve stayed in the journal pieces. Yet, there’s a freeing feeling when you’re comfortable talking about what everyone else hides in secret.

The only true silence that I’ve encountered this season has been the silencing of expectations. Humbling experience. Ambition for attainment of things has done its fair share of sapping the life out of me. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick” Proverbs 13:12. “Ok, 2025 is coming up; I’ve been on this creative journey for 13 years now. It’s been 4 years since we’ve started this business. How many more projects do we have to finish that go unnoticed? I should finally be able to move my family into a new place.” There were ideals that I held in mind for my health in 2025 that have been derailed by a torn meniscus, and 4 other ligament sprains. This year is not going as I expected. When these expectations don’t come to fruition, then comes disappointment; and disappointment has always been a gateway to depression for me.

This cycle isn’t new, it’s been here since I can remember. It sounds like an impossibility; staying ambitious while managing such lofty expectations. “Make life easier for my family”, “provide a positive impact for the culture”, “be an encouragement”, “a light for others”. Your world stays small if you only focus on how you can better yourself. Better yourself, to better your family, to better your community, to better the world. Anytime I’m not living out this expectation of mine it’s, “hope deferred makes the heart sick.” Who’s to blame when life has dealt me a stale hand? God. (darker thoughts ensuing). “Do I have any worth?” “Are these ideas truly creative?” “Who gave you the audacity to dream so large?” “I talk to Him, no one responds.” “Not too many others resonate with the journey that I’m on.” Silence. When you sit in silence long enough, you learn that it actually tends to speak. These failed expectations shifted my perspective on my approach to life. Maybe it was shifting how I was identifying myself in relation to my expectations. Am I experiencing the death of an ego?

Creating used to be fun; the actual process of being inspired by an idea, then bringing it to fruition. While podcasting, I loved coming up with topics, building concepts for episodes, editing promotional clips; I was bringing my ideas to life. In 2017, I started working with influencers and artists. Throughout the next four years, the aspect of creating that was once fueled by purpose, became fueled by a way to build an identity, a persona. It became a means to access, a way to make money, a method of being validated by and also compared to others. What I once held as my purpose was reduced for a way for me to compete with others and make money. There was no joy in competing to live in someone else’s world, off crumbs. Shrinking my soul to fit in someone else’s story. Prompted by my wife Lex, who literally believes I can do anything, to drop the gigs and go at it alone, I did it. 2021 marked the first full video I did with Lex for myself. For the next four years, I tried to get the attention of others with our work. Thousands of rejections from companies for “creative director” and strategist roles where i just didn’t meet someone else’s expectations. Then there’s rejection by social media, and not fulfilling the requirements of the algorithms. After so much rejection, I thought I’d hate it; after so much rejection, then I did start hating it. After so much rejection, I started viewing it as redirection.

Redirection came in the form of a radical shift in perspective: to want something, or want for something is to live with the expectation of lack; living without it. Mentalities carry over from childhood and present themselves in a variety of ways. I grew up ungrateful, discontent with the life that was provided for me. We westerners have been bamboozled into believing that there is an entitlement to anything outside of food and water. We live in a consumer economy where the only thing that exist is “the next thing”. To live wanting literally robs you of the present, it robs you of NOW, and I was being cleaned out. To want brings you into an anxiety of the future because a lack of appreciation for who you are, where you are and what you have now. The silence taught me the imperative of understanding your battlefield, where you work, where you compete, where you face challenges. Understanding the consumer economy was my lesson to learn You must sell discontent to promote consumerism. Identities are for sale, so are dreams, ideals, and stories; it’s up to you to accept the bait. Everywhere we look there’s titles plastered on headers, the lifestyle they can live because of it and how we can do the same. Unknowingly, we assign roles to ourselves. The entire journey that I had been on, the underlying (subconscious) purpose, was for me to use these skills and gifts that I obtained to get to a destination. It wasn’t enjoying the fact that I was able to embark on the journey in the first place. There’s a more pointed essay prepared on the “creator economy” as a whole, but that’s the role that I was assigning for myself. That’s the expectation that I set. In return, I was supposed to be paid for my gifts. Not a fan of transactional relationships, and I’d been living in one with myself. Love myself if I reach “these” milestones by “this” time, or else you’re a no-good peasant. Hyper-focused on using my gifts to make money cause that’s what I saw others do. Sometimes a silent season presents itself to bring you out of being hyper-focused; to see a bigger picture; This was my redirection. Being so focused on making money was causing me to be less of a man. Red Pill says “man-must-make-money”. Doesn’t this whole generation say a man must make money? $ix Figures, the OnlyFans girls demand.

So how do you create what you love, follow your purpose and make money? Impossible, right? I played the game, and I lost. What about the other roles in our lives? What about when there’s a silent season in your creative role, so you can become better more well-rounded in others? Husband, friend, leader, servant, son, and newly; father, were starting to cry out louder for me to attend to them. I needed to have a healthier relationship with myself, where I wasn’t worthless if I didn’t make money. Value could be gained in my life through being a supportive, compassionate, and loving husband while, my wife started making new inroads in understanding her own journey. It’s been joy taking a back seat while watching her creative gifts burst through. A stronger friend, who takes time to check on others, encourage them, learn from them, understand them. A son who takes time out to assists his parents in pivotal transitional moments in their lives. A new father, to a baby boy who is filled with joy, while learning to lead my family by example; through consistent action, accountability, patience, curiosity, and looking to be of service to others. Learning to live a life of service; putting self on the back burner and immersing myself and my family in opportunities to volunteer, serving the community. The silence was compelling me to become more complete; to address more fears, blindspots, areas where I lacked humility, discipline and appreciation for the small things in life. Like having healthy ligaments… Or a genuine human to human interaction; or more important, a deeper understanding of myself. God spoke when I became receptive to the silence, because it was Him who was in the silence. He was prompting me to become a better man, before I continue to seek a better life outside of me. Having a season of not being accepted by things outside of me allowed me to focus on things that I was refusing to accept inside of me. When the attributes of your character are aligned in all your roles, then you find your purpose. Not to be all deep and philosophical, but everything in life truly happens on the inside. It was at this very moment that I realized focusing on the man that God purposed me to be propelled me to being more creative.

NOT BEING ACCEPTED HAS CREATED THIS SPACE

for those who create from their soul,

unconditionally.

Every year millions of salmon struggle and fight to swim upstream. Some estimates state a mortality rate of 95% for the against the grain fighters. You just might be a salmon. I was. Choose another animal, not like some spirit animal; another animal’s journey. Eagles fly with the current. Tigers are solitary apex predators. Wolves get rejected and own their rejection ( Lone Wolf). If you know your value, then you know you’re not missing out on anything when the group tells you “you can’t sit with us.” Rejection, expectations, silence; not being accepted compelled us to create this space. A space of homeostasis, an equilibrium of sorts. This space is not subjected to the spurious whims of social media algorithms; results that breed quantity, devoid of quality. This space is for those who desire to create from their soul, in originality, not based on transactions, or conditions but simply because your soul loves it. I found joy in being creative again when I was allowed to disconnect the reason why I create from any outcomes. Attention, status, money, or comfort don’t make you create better, you just create to keep up the status quo. In the silence, an option is available for us to choose purpose in this world. Were we meant to live life filled with expectations, endless desires, competitions and consuming? Were we meant to live a life that built of competing for attention? The truth is, the cream is always gonna rise to the top; a tall cup just makes the ride up all the better. This space has fostered a sense of freedom for me. I’ve returned to the space where I create for myself; when I create for myself, I create for the outliers, the underdogs, and the innovators. The more time I spend fully enveloped in the process of just creating, the less I waste time setting expectations. The world promotes an endless stream of distractions, but you’re called to be separate from the patterns and ways of the world. In the world, but not of it. The silent season is for finding your purpose. Pursue it as if your soul was at stake.